The destructive power of self-pity….and the abundance that is waiting for you, when you stop the pity party
As a mom, public humiliation is a near daily occurrence. Especially when you have a drama queen for a daughter.
“Let’s get out of the water, and hang out at the play structure!” I say.
We’re at the beach. And Clara is unimpressed with the suggestion. My son, Liam, is all about it though. So we slowly make our way to the shore.
I help towel Liam off, and look over to see Clara flopping around on the ground….her wet body getting caked in dry sand. She then looks at me in disgust, as if I made her do it.
She’s deliberately making a bad situation worse. And she is pitying herself. haaarrrrd.
Why does she do it?
Partly, it’s attention. But also, it’s a power play. She feels a lack of control. And the best way she knows how to deal with it, is to invite excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness to the party. Because then? Then! Someone might see how forlorn she is….and hand her what she truly wants.
Oh the injustice! Surely, someone will come to her rescue.
The pattern of self-pity
I know this pattern well. Not only because Clara uses it all the time (cue the B-roll footage of the Fruit-Loops vs Cheerios meltdown at the grocery store)…but because I too have used this strategy.
And what I’ve come to realize? Is that self-pity is THE most destructive mindset on the planet.
It is the equivalent of locking the door to your own success. Your own happiness. Your own peace.
Because it takes away all sense of ownership to those things. And worse? It places all the power for change, outside of your control.
Woe-is-me = Woah-is-me
A broken heart? It takes time to heal. But what makes a bad situation even worse, is slipping into “woe-is-me” for the long-haul.
Lately, my theme song is “It’s Raining Men.” Why? Because ’80s disco is highly underrated. Hallelujah, amen!
But also. Because I recently stopped feeling sorry for myself, after being told….. “we had our time, Linds.”
I stopped holding space for the idea that I was shattered….beat up….on the losing side of the battle. Instead? I started to believe that I was worthy of love.
I crave it. I want it. And I’ve set my own thermostat to “looking for casual fun.” Which in turn….attracts casual fun.
And Jesus. That’s all it is. You want abundance? Look for it. Stop closing your eyes. Stop busying yourself with rolling in the sand.
I pity the fool….who throws a pity a party for way too long
This same thing? Has happened with money.
For a long time, I was living from paycheque to paycheque. Buying the discount fruit (only a bit of mold). Drinking the bargain wine (just plug your nose). And getting by with the same underwear I wore in my college years (see “lack of men” discussion above. This may have been a contributing factor).
I’ve been desperate to move into my own apartment….living with my parents apres-divorce (also a likely contributing factor to the same “lack of men” problem above). And although I’ve been teetering on making that happen? It wasn’t until I realized I was pitying myself (look at me, struggling entrepreneur!)….that I could turn my mindset around.
How the fuck did I do that?
When waffling over moving into an apartment (“I don’t know if I can quite afford it”), my best friend gave me the advice…. “you can manifest that shit, Linds.”
I put down the deposit.
And low and behold, in the coming weeks, my income increased. Like….substantially.
I knew I had to make shit happen. But also? I adjusted my internal thermostat (yet again!)….to “looking for money.” Which in turn….attracts money.
You want it? Look for it
My god. This lesson? Has been huge for me.
And yet? It seems too simple.
Can it really be as easy as…..you want it, look for it?
I think it is.
The mind is a powerful thing. Hell, I once heard a story about a guy who thought himself to death, after being locked in a freezer. The freezer was broken (it was room temperature), and yet, the guy convinced himself he was freezing to death. And did.
It’s not a matter of straining really really hard. Wanting something desperately. With every fibre of your being.
It’s also not a matter of tantrum-ing with all your might. And hoping someone will right your wrong.
It’s more like….getting out of your own way.
It’s more like….orienting your mind.
It’s more like…..bringing awareness to the thing you truly want, and ditching the sense of lack that goes along with it.
Create aTinder profile….for you life
I almost liken it to creating a Tinder profile for your life. It takes balls to admit you want something, because shit….if you fail, and don’t get that thing? Zero hits? There’s all kinds of disappointment. And your ego? Ya. Pissed right off.
There’s something extremely vulnerable about admitting “want.” Because in the wrong hands, it could be interpreted as “not good enough.”
(Side note? There is a disproportionate number of “hunters” on Tinder. Or at least, a disproportionate number of men holding trophy carcasses…..which is SUCH a turn-off. And would be, even if I wasn’t a vegetarian).
But if you don’t WANT it….if you don’t LOOK for it….you’ll never get it.
Put it out there!
Looking for: a job I love!
Looking for: a hot bod when naked!
Looking for: a meditation app that doesn’t put me to sleep!
You want it? Stop pretending you’re a special snowflake. Like life is “sooooo haaarrrrd for me….but, like, especially me. Poor me. I’m not getting my way!”
Open the door to abundance
If this past month has taught me anything, it’s that we all have the power to reach for what we want. And if you’re waiting for someone to hand it to you? You’re only gonna end up with sand in your bathing suit.
I am slowly learning how to stop making a bad situation, worse.
And good god. I have never felt more blessed. More lucky. More abundant. More laid. More rich. And more happy.